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My Turning Point

It's already the end of August... Welcome September, please be nice to me xixixi...
Four months until the end of 2025. I never thought I'd make it through third quarters of 2025 and still be alive.

I've been thinking and reflecting for the past few days about acceptance and self love.

In many times, life doesn't always go according to our plan. Along the way, we have to face harsh realities that test our strength. However, in every pain, we can find blessing to grow and love ourselves better.

In 2024, one month before my wedding that was cancelled (it's sound like jokes and bad luck today, and feel relief when i can talk 'bout it without hesitation and anger anymore), Which was 70% complete, and it failed.

At that point like my world was crumbling. Disappointment and sadness became my constant companions. I tried various ways to escape these feelings. From being busy with work, meeting lots of people, gathering with old friends, doing things labeled as self-love (going to the salon, pampering myself) as if it were revenge for a 13-years relationship that I couldn't satisfy myself with (at that time, i always think i want to do the fun things with my partner, even though it means i have to spend more money on that activity, I think more about the happiness we have together), or  i even didn't think twice about spending money on traveling.

But it turned out, all of that was just a temporary distraction. My heart remained empty, and my body became more tired to do that thing a lot. I just ran and escaped at that time. I didn't dare to face the feeling and the pain. Ignoring the feelings that I should have embraced tightly at that time and Strengthening myself. At that time, my friends said, "Try opening your heart again. If you open your heart to someone new and find an escape, it will be easier to forget the past." But it felt like that wasn't what I needed. There's something wrong with me and I'm afraid I'll hurt someone new.

After some months of struggling with myself, I finally realized that the best thing I could do wasn't run away, but to return. Return to myself. Accept all the pain and use this failure as a learning and experience. Love isn't about finding someone new, but about improving yourself. Loving yourself sincerely, accepting all your flaws, and working towards becoming a better person.

The self-love journey isn't always a straight line. Sometimes, you have to get lost to find your way back home. I learned to love myself, forgive myself, embrace myself again. Make me a better version of myself (good in terms of appearance, skill, mindset and etc). 

I believe there will come a time when someone will sincerely celebrate me, happy and greatefull to have me in his live. Not ashamed to accept me into their arms and their lives and also introduced me to his world without shame and declaring "This is my woman".
#positive affirmation

Thanks Ngel... you already do the great things till today. I really proud of you!!


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